Doctor, doctor........

The blog has been quiet all month. Much has happened, and I'm just gonna get y'all caught up on the important stuff. 

Last Saturday I boarded a plane to North Carolina. I spent a very short (too short really) weekend with friends. On Monday, at 10am I entered the exam room for my PhD defense. Around noon, I walked out, finally, officially, Dr. ------  It was finally finished. Six years and three months of my life given over to one degree. I finished school at the 24th grade. Six years and three months....

My friends and family cheered me. My co-workers in Texas called to congratulate me. I really just felt stunned. It was done. Door slammed behind me. Six years and three months of my life. Done.

After the defense some friends took me to lunch. They cheered me, but I sat sipping water, unable to think, to really let it all sink in.  The PhD is, I think unlike many other degrees, a long and lonely road. It is isolating, occasionally demoralizing, and sometimes painful. You conduct your research- you write what amounts to a book (313 pages in my case)- pretty much by yourself. Especially in the humanities, where you typically work alone, it is all on you. 

I struggled a lot. I almost never wrote about those struggles on this blog because this is supposed to be about knitting- a place away from my dissertation and its difficulty and struggle. But I did scratch along. At the end I felt like as if I was just barely crawling over the finish line.

Yesterday afternoon, after lunch I was taken to the airport and I boarded a plane to Texas. I made it home and got up this morning to teach a class (the semester started last week.) I sleepily walked the students through the discussion at the beginning and as I got rolling I woke up, and I directed the conversation-- I asked them questions and I pushed them. And I paused for a moment and realized something.

I love teaching. I love what I do. My students get me up every day. Even when writing the diss was difficult, even in those dark, dark moments when I doubted myself, and think I was not smart enough... even then I would enter a classroom and see my students and know that I was doing what I was meant to be doing. Even when I dealt with the pain-in-the-ass students. Even they make me smile.

I am a teacher-scholar. Far more teacher than scholar and that is okay (I used to feel guilt about it.) Today, as I watched a student get excited about a reading--her young face shining with an idea-- I know that this what I am meant to do. I will do enough scholarly work to contribute to the academy, but what I love are the kids. My big, goofy football players in the front row. The smart -ass kid in the back with the smirk. The nerdy, smart girls, always with the answer to the questions... the shy kid, who it takes weeks to coax a smile out of...

They remain the reason why I get out of bed each day even when I gripe and moan about it.

So yeah, I got that PhD. Right now I am a mix of happiness and sadness- pride, and relief. 

Its finally over.

Comments

[Mish]

That's awesome!! Congrats!!

[Jaime]

Congratulations! We just missed each other in the airport both ways - I flew in Friday evening and out yesterday just before noon.

[Genie]

Congratulations!Teaching is a fine profession. The best teachers love their jobs.
I enjoy following your blog. I found you through Jean Miles/Jeans Knitting. I live in OH not far from Oberlin, was born in Austin, and have a granddaughter on the PhD track. I hope you like SA. My sister lived there for a few years. Fun place to visit but NEVER in the summer. I remember Texas summers before air conditioning. I'll take Ohio snow and cold anytime.

[Ondrea]

YAY! Congrats!!

[kathie]

congratulations,,,,,,I could say something deep sounding like the best things in life are earned, hard work pays off, blah, blah...but you KNOW how hard you worked and now is the time to sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labors. Way to go......Besides, if they just gave away Phd's like candy, what would distinguish you amoungst your fellow humans-beside your awesome knitting? Enjoy the teaching, be glad you are making a difference in peoples lives. Would you really want a job stamping out widgets all day? No matter what they pay you, what you take home in your heart is really, really important.
Kathie-aka sparkle

[Judith]

Many congratulations, well done, and all good wishes for the future.

[Genny]

Congratulations! I've been reading along for a while and not commented, but defending the dissertation merits it. If only there were more new PhDs out there with such a love of teaching! Researchers may get more camera time, but students remember the teachers - students become teachers because of the ones who love it.

All the best,
Genny-who-works-at-a-university :D

[Lindsey]

Angel, my heartfelt congratulations to you on the huge, huge accomplishment. Best wishes settling into your new job and home. I'm sure that even by the spring semester you'll be amazed at the change in how things roll. Just think what things would be like if you'd had no prior teaching experience!!